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October 1st, 2008
12:40 pm - Tomorrow night
Kels tomorrow night (Irish pub in Pike Place) at 9:30. Come out and wish me luck!
This certainly includes all Jet City people.
Make it an excuse to go out and bring your friends!
Little known fact about me: When James Blunt came into town, he and I went to this bar. Want the full story? Come to KELS!
I leave Saturday moooorniiiiing....
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September 30th, 2008
12:29 pm - 4 mystic tans
anyone want them? I can call and transfer them to your name at Sunset Tan. $40 obo.
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September 26th, 2008
12:21 am - It's just annoying
I just feel annoying when I post on here. I don't think I'm gonna do it anymore.
-Blowhard.
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12:18 am - It's an almost interesting thing
I wonder if other people take days to do absolutely nothing.
It's what I do when I don't want to deal with something. I oversleep, then nap, then lay around, then go to bed. If I am sleeping too much, it's because I don't want to do something. Like finish packing.
Finally starting to feel some dread on my long journey...I leave in 8 days. Gulp. I wish I could just have immediate friends and be trained, right when I get there!
Tomorrow, I will have lots of coffee, and that will force me to have positive energy. And not be sad by fall decorations that I won't get to enjoy.
Also, strangely enough, when you are feeling poorly about yourself and how you look, watching The Girls Next Door and surfing Facebook does not make you feel better.
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September 24th, 2008
12:29 pm - In other related creepy news...
Robert Downey Jr has his run for the money against Jeremy Piven now, after the scene where he bitch slaps Davies in the last episode of Entourage. I think I rewinded and watched it 6 times...mmm.
Because you know, it MATTERS who holds the key to my celebrity crushed out heart.
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September 18th, 2008
12:55 pm - Do my favorites match yours? Any suggestions?
I don't usually do 'favorites' list, because I don't know what my favorites are and am trying to not be so much of a blowhard. So I tried to sit down and figure out what they may be, which I just asked myself, "What do I watch/read/listen to/do all the time? What would be my first choice?" It'd be cool if you could tell me if you have any further suggestions to further my mind and choices! I love all of your opinions. Especially movies and TV, since that's what Im getting myself into. I can't watch scary movies, but everything else is a go.
Movies:
Chaplin, The Lives Of Others, Wet Hot American Summer, Gangs Of New York, Meet Me In St. Louis, Peter Pan, The Last Mistress, The Little Mermaid, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Chocolat, Almost Famous, Across the Universe, Under the Tuscan Sun, The Assassination of Jesse James, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally
TV:
Mad Men, Entourage, Frasier, Saturday Night Live, The Girls Next Door, Project Runway, Friends, The Soup, The Late Show with David Letterman, 30 Rock, The Office, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Radio:
NPR, The Adam Carolla Show, The Dory Monson Show, 98.1, Progressive talk 1080, Radio Disney (when nannying), 96.5/102.5/95.7/106.1/101.5 if it's a commercial I don't like.
News/Magazines:
Entertainment Weekly, Vogue, Seattle Weekly, BBC & NY Times (online), Better Homes and Garden (September-December), and until November, many political campaign websites (Moveon.org is pretty obnoxious with their emails).
Cheap Websites:
Facebook, LaRagMag.com, Rottentomatoes.com, Imdb.com, E!online, LJ, multiple clothing stores/designers such as H & M, comic strips like Luann, 9 Chickweed Lane
Coffee choices, when I'm:
poor:
Drip coffee from home with Hazlenut creamer (what I'm drinking now, hay)
lazy:
French Press organic coffee from PCC with raw sugar
at a stand:
double short Americano with three raw sugars and a little chocolate
at a Starbucks:
tall soy chai latte, more soy than chai because I'm lame and like it sweet, not spicy
when I wanna feel fancy:
Cafe Ole!
I don't know, should I even do music? We're all so defensive of this category! Well, I'm not, I just wish I were.
At the point in my day were there's time for music, I go to what I know and what is comforting, which is not a proud point, but just what happens. If someone hands me an album, I usually like it and then only listen to that album for 2 weeks.
-Old timey:
Judy Garland, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole
-Classic:
The Beatles, The Mamas and the Papas, Billy Joel, Tom Petty
-Popular:
Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer, Michael Buble, Garth Brooks
-Maybe Not So Popular:
Imogen Heap/Frou Frou, Beirut, Rufus Wainwright, Damien Rice, Ween, Kate Nash, Sublime
-Not Popular at All:
Robert Downey Jr.'s The Futurist, which is my favorite all time album.
-Soundtrack/Musical:
Disney (so surprised?), Once, Across the Universe, Moulin Rouge, Emma, Spamalot, Avenue Q, Thoroughly Modern Millie, West Side Story, Les Miserables
Books:
(This is where I really need some help. I pick up all sorts of books all the time, but stop reading them if I don't like it 5 or so chapters in)
Harry Potter (oy), Madeleine L'angle series (Wrinkle in Time), Emma, Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, The Da Vinci Code (but not Angels and Demons), The Tao of Pooh, Cat's Cradle, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, most self help books, and all things to do with the universe (like An Elegant Universe), conspiracies, scripts/screenplays, and classic stories.
Things I don't like reading:
Catcher in the Rye, The Devil Wears Prada/Nanny Diaries/Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (and all books in between), the usual girl fair. Chuck Palahniuk, My Sister's Keeper, that ridiculously long book called something Becomes Her, HOUSE ON MANGO STREET.
Tell me what you think. Would love to hear your current favorites, too!
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September 5th, 2008
01:42 am - Planes
The nerves are starting to finally kick into gear for Hong Kong. I just received my itinerary-and I leave in less than a month. It'll be a 19 hour travel day...that makes me more nervous than actually going.
Sleep aid recommendations, anyone? Long flight tips? I asked to be switched to a window seat, too.
Drowsy medication found in over the counter stuff like Tylenol and Nyquil make my heart sort of palpitate. Anything else to try? Get bombed at the airport?
Eeeeeeek! I can't believe this is actually happening. I am really excited. But of all the things here, I'm going to miss my dog the most. Is that bad?
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September 1st, 2008
01:39 pm - It doesn't feel right.
I have been kind of throwing out into the universe some questions and some replays of my life. I'm hoping something will be thrown back to me that will make me go, "Aha! This is what I'm supposed to do."
The question at large (is that a saying?) is this, in a nut shell:
For my future, do I work as hard as I can and not be very happy while doing it, but work until I reach my goals, but take the risk of maybe not getting what I want and being unsatisfied but at the end of the day I can at least say I tried, or,
do I go off and live a quiet, healthy lifestyle that isn't full of crap?
I feel that my strengths to make the world better lie (lay?) in first entertainment. Where I can start is by becoming well known in this business. I am powerless without my strengths, so I feel I need to utilize them to my fullest potential. From there, I feel like the world could be full of non stop offers to help.
But to get there, it gets a bit muddy.
For instance, I love the magazine, Vogue. My family got me a subscription, and my eyes light up when I see it in the mailbox. When I am done reading it, what I am wishing for is my future, which, after looking through it, makes me want to be wealthy, successful, dripping new clothes, and kind of, well, leading a somewhat materialistic lifestyle. It also makes me anxious, because the thought of aging makes me feel like I only have 8 years to get done what I CAN get done in 'my twenties'. The women you see in Hollywood and Vogue are not older women, and this stresses me out. What happens to these women when they become older? What happens to the Playboy bunnies after they are forced to retire? And to the models? And actresses like Meg Ryan? They are seemingly worthless in the entertainment industry once their appearances start to dwindle. So I'm wondering if I should sign myself up for this beauty rat race now, just in case I reach 35 and I go, "SHIT, I didn't do what I could have done". My agent wants me to become a model, as do many other people in Seattle. When I tell them I don't feel...I guess, good enough to do it, they just sort of scoff and say, "And you really think all the models that are out there right now feel GOOD enough to be doing what they are doing?" Which doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel sad. I understand some of the strengths I carry, but do I want to put myself up for grabs?
Because then I go out to a cabin, and I feel very 'right' out there. It's quiet, it's laid back, it's simple. It's everything a human needs. Except for satisfying the human needs of success. I feel right when I think of my future in a Vogue magazine, and I feel right when I'm jumping off a dock into a lake.
So, do I let the laidback lifestyle go until I've worked my ass off, which, of course, will stress me out and just age me quicker, which is completely unfair, or do I let the materialism and egocentric goals go? I could go save Africa instead of selfishly promoting myself and my future. It just doesn't feel right.
"Yes, I live in L.A. Yes, I'm an actor. Yes, I want fame and lots of money." Saying that outloud feels gross, yet in my mind, if I don't work towards that, I won't feel whole. I am so stupidly competitive. I can't handle it if someone is working harder than me, because I feel I'm letting myself and my goals down.
I suppose really what I want is what any artist wants; freedom to do your art and living off it's paycheck. But before you get that, you need some glory and to create a name for yourself. I am working towards making a name for myself, so I can go do the charitable work and become a philanthropist and do whatever the hell I want to do with my art. I don't necessarily want fame and fortune; I want freedom and to live life as best as possible. And, in my brain, best as possible is working my ass off until I get everything I want and help others do the same.
But should I change my way of thinking? At the end of the day, or the end of 10 years, what will matter? Happiness, or working hard? The balance of two is a little hard to come by. But maybe I can learn to do it with time. The thought of putting myself in compromising situations down in Los Angeles feel very gross to me, but also, very right. Like, yeah, it'll be tough, but if I don't do it, I'll hate myself for it. And I hate myself for hating myself if I don't do it. Some people are so keen on simplistic lifestyles. I guess I'll have to just accept that simple is not who I am?
I looked at agencies models down in L.A.: ALL OF THEM WERE 34-24-34. ALL OF THEM. Now, friends...this is a lie. That measurement has been deemed nearly impossible, and all of a sudden one agency has 20 girls with this impossible measurement? Lies lies lies. I don't want a life of lies. I don't want an agency to have to lie about what or who I am in order for me to work. I want to work because I'm the best at what I do. And this sort of thinking does not go over well in the 'biz'. See, and then I just want to yell, "You can lick my butt, biz!" But the biz is going to give me what I want. And that really sucks. Sell your soul to the devil, Tessa!
34-24-34. You've got to be kidding me. Yeah the fuck right. Or I love the '22' inch waists. Really? Your waist is the size of a dog's neck? Interesting. At my littlest, which was 15/16, I was a 24 inch waist. And those of you who knew be before puberty ended knows how small I was. For God's sake. The poor girls who look at these websites don't know any better and don't know people stretch the truth and this is why eating disorders happen. I mean I guess we all know that but...ew. Do I want to subject myself to this bullshit?
Yeah, I do. Cause it's the only way I'll be able to live with myself at the end of the day. If something is easy, you're probably not doing it right.
But I've been researching a lot of religions and ways of life, and Taoism grasped my attention. I picked up two books (The Tao of Pooh is adorable and a quick read-it takes you on a journey comparing Taoism to Pooh Bear and his friends) and it seems to be the best way to live your life. But it also seems somewhat improbable to make this sort of life happen in America. And the way out of America is money. And the way for me to get money is to be the best at what I do. And that includes Hollywood. Convoluted path towards nirvana, isn't it.
If I get the wealth of money and flexibility I want, I can help my family for the rest of their lives, start all the charities I've always wanted to start, travel, move to Europe to get out of this dwindling country, and do whatever I want. 'I'll take everything in this life'. The only road to that is a rough and rocky road. But I've been preparing for the journey for 4 years. And off I got on my last pit stop before the rocky path, to Hong Kong, where I will make the money I need to start my journey.
The people that move to LA and stick around are also the sort of people that make a little vomit upchuck into my mouth.
I don't know if what I am doing is right or healthy, but at least I'm going to do it, and I can change my mind later instead of wondering if I should have tried it. At the end of every day, if I can say to myself I did everything I needed to get done today for my short and long term future, then I sleep soundly. I have expected of myself since I was small a life of greatness and complexities. I have made myself very different from most other young adults, so the things that I have already started to accomplish...God, I really don't know. I'm confusing myself. I typed it out, so Universe...is this right? Am I doing what is right for me? I am, aren't I?
September and October always bring answers. I love Fall. I leave in 5 weeks.
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August 30th, 2008
02:19 pm - Girls Next Door
Why do all we females love this show?
It always puts me in a good mood...
why is this? I can't watch America's Next Top Model without feeling inadequate, yet, these girls are fantasy perfect and have many things I don't, but they are just so much themselves that I can't help but love them. I personally don't know a person that doesn't enjoy this show.
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August 11th, 2008
07:28 pm - Soup
I saw Joel Mchale today...I think.
Pike Place with his two kids and wife?
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August 10th, 2008
11:13 pm - Doomsday
I am honestly very upset by December 21, 2012.
Please talk me out of it.
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July 31st, 2008
09:36 am - Mystic Tans and Misc. for sale
Hey, guys,
I have 4 mystic tans at Sunset Tanning. Would anyone like to buy them off of me? I believe they were $60, but I can give you a deal. :) You could cut me a check and then I just transfer my tans to your name as a 'gift'. The tans just aren't lookin' good on me. They look so good on other people, but my skin doesn't look good if it isn't pale ;)
Also, I have a popason (sp?) chair with ottoman, N64, Play Station 2, old mac book, and an old PC for sale, too. I think the computers are mostly just for giveaway, as they are junk.
Has anyone sold any clothing on ebay? My friend Geneva did, and it worked out well for her...anyone else? I have lots of stuff I want to get rid of before Hong Kong, including many items from Urban Outfitters.
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July 30th, 2008
09:10 pm - Former BFFs
An odd day of two old best friends...
One, becoming so boring that I can't stand to hang out with her. The only time she wishes to pry herself away from her boring boyfriend, boring job, and boring, sedentary lifestyle is when something has corrupted the boredom. She does not like hearing about what is going on in my life. She actually did pause once from her talking, though, and asked (of course, not to me, just to say it out loud, because why would she want my opinion?), "God, is this what the rest of my life is going to be? Just, work, and coming home, and work...?" And I replied, "Yeah, it is, if you keep letting it. You are too interesting to lead that sort of life." And once I said it outloud, I realized, she isn't that interesting, spontaneous person she used to be. She has succumbed to comfortable living, and prefers getting high with her boring 25 year old boyfriend who will continue to work at Pagliacci Pizza till he starts to bald, and then will become the manager, and she prefers to still live at home at 22 but stay with her boyfriend in Kenmore, and work 10 hours a day at a job she sort of likes, and only gets excited when a new Nintendo game comes out.
"I like just hanging out with you."
"Yeah, I know...but you only want to when something is wrong."
"I do?"
"yeah..."
"I guess you're right."
She never really cares what's up in my life. This vivacious, crazy girl has now become a girl who is slowly not becoming my friend anymore. And I keep warning her, and telling her it's not fair to be with a guy that you know you're going to break up with, but you stay with him because it's convenient. And that her Mom and I are pretty frustrated. For a year it's been no calls, no shows, cancelling, not caring about anyone but her and her delivery driver. It makes me sad. A best friend since we were 2...and 20 years later, it's dying out, because she won't listen to anyone around her.
And, the second. This girl also lives up the street from me (The three of us live within one culdesac of each other), and has been one of my best friends since we were 6. She made it quite clear she was moving on from our group of friends, and has been a total b****. It's sort of the same thing...only a friend when it's convenient. Her snobbery, pretentiousness, insecurities, and overall piss poor attitude have made the 4 of her close friends want to draw away from her, which we pretty much have, as she pretty much forced us to do so. I can't believe some of her actions (including cancellation on a lease the day of signing). And now, 3 months later, what do I receive but an email, 2 phone calls, and a knock on my door. All ignored by me, which didn't feel good, but did feel right. If I run into her, I don't think I will be able to contain myself. The audacity she has to ignore me and make me feel totally worthless in her life, after 15 years, and now she's running back, needing me. Childhood friends make for not so great adulthood friends, I'm finding.
Good friends in general are the most precious things to come by, huh.
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July 27th, 2008
12:47 pm - Man Impulse.
"Being impulsive is the only way to be. Right? I mean, what other way is there? Any other way makes you boring and lost." The thought process of my 17 year old brain makes me a little queasy. 'Passionate' and 'impulsive' were the two traits I prided myself on, once I found my two interests: Drama, and Boys. Which usually go hand in hand, still to this day.
The article I was beginning to write was about how much I've noticed I have grown up since being 17 or 18, until I got to the end, and realized that maybe this wasn't the case. So here is the part where I cut and deleted up to. What I wrote before this really doesn't matter. Your brains will fill it in:
And now, I've been on my own. Los Angeles swallowed me up because I was used to living a life of not necessarily apathy, but certainly only caring about select things. The unfortunate thing that I have cared too much about in the past 4 years (and before) was being impulsive. If at any given moment I could tell you what I wanted and how I was going to get it, no matter what, I viewed this as success. I was an actor who was crazy and knew what she wanted, after all. That's all that mattered. But, impulses lead to debt, they lead to broken hearts. They lead to no long term planning going through, because the little short term goals got in the way of getting anything done. For god's sake, I moved to LA on an impulse. I moved there on my impulse, and the impulse of a woman who mirrored my big flaw. But once I packed up my Jeep and got myself down there, the impulse turned into a mess, and sent me home with my tail between my legs. The sixty year old casting director with 'connections' should have known better than to send a girl down there on a whim and lie to her about connections and success, but, as I have learned many times so far, the little 20 year old has to do things for herself in order to be successful, and safe. Those people are in this business for a reason, which is something my parents can constantly remind me of, because this is one of the few things they can contribute. Having their youngest daughter in a business they know nothing of except the heartache must be difficult.
I think one of the beautiful things about women is that we ARE impulsive. Men are impulsive, too, but I've found with much different things. The wants of their penises, for one, and the wants of the immediate. And their impulses are truly about the present needs and wants for themselves; I think with us women, it goes a little like this: "Gosh, I had such a great time with Jason last night. He is so wonderful, I can't wait to go out with him again. Maybe next time we'll kiss, and then maybe next time we'll such and such. And then after that, we'll go out a few more times, and he'll be my boyfriend for the summer, and we can go to the beach and smell like bon fire and he'll put his sweatshirt on me and hug me while we drink coronas and won't my friends be so jealous that I've found such a good man to be with." And then we text message Jason, in the hopes of our futures, and Jason will text message us back, in the hopes of getting laid for the night. And then ensues the heart ache.
We impulsively act on our thoughts of our future needs which constantly battle with the impulses of guys' immediate. Guys don't tend to think about what the future will bring after they sleep with a woman. I impulsively meant to miss a ferry so I could stay on Vashon Island and be on the movie set so I could flirt with the director more, and I stopped at nothing to talk to him after he expressed interest in me. My mind couldn't stop: "Oh, this director just put me in two extra scenes, flirted with me non stop, told me how great I was, and now I have to go...well, NO! I am not going! I'm not going to let this get away! It's the last day of shooting, I'm staying. I'll go back, and we'll talk, and maybe he'll put me in more scenes, and maybe he'll ask me over, and then when I move to LA I won't be all alone." Drove myself, and another guy, down to the ferry five minutes too late, and 'had' to turn back. And when I got back, Tony told me he had a girlfriend. And then my future plan was done, and his immediate ego stroke was fulfilled. Guys' impulses are also usually fulfilled much more than women's. At least the ones I've surrounded myself with.
Women are great because we are impulsive for the hopes of both party's futures. I can't say the same for guys. I also can't tell you all how many times my impulses have lead to my stupid heart ache. If I had taken the time to stop myself and allowed the guy to make up his own mind, and given him time to not just want me as his immediate impulse, I think I'd be in a much different position right now. Once I got that instinctual "GO AND GET HIM!" impulse, there was no stopping me. It became a contest and it became my future all at once. It hurt many girls, especially one down in Orlando, and it always hurt myself in the end. The man, I promise you, was never hurt by my actions. Because I threw myself into it all, and he came along for the ride I created. Because I was an actor and I was crazy and that's all that mattered that I knew what I wanted right then and there.
And smart men that have frustrated me have stopped and slowed me down. Which, initially, pissed me off. It also pisses off my friends, like, "What the hell? I told him I wanted to have sex with him and he didn't want to. He said he DID want to, but that it wasn't a good idea right now. What the hell is wrong with him? Or maybe he just didn't like how I kissed or looked?" And I smile politely at my friends and figure it all out as they say it out loud. No, there is nothing wrong with us physically...it's the boys that have turned into men trying to slow us and our impulses down that they recognize. They know that maybe they can't live up to our impulses, or, at least, what our impulses mean to us. Having sex with a man as a woman means hope for our future. Having sex with a woman as a man means hopes of having sex again in the morning and then leaving. And I thank all you men that learned this quickly, because you stopping us is you protecting both parties, and not letting either of you down the next day. It means that you are selflessly letting your impulses end for the evening, and that means the girl's have to shut their brains, and impulses, off, too.
Where it gets inexcusable for me is when the man is a great deal older than I am, recognizes my feelings for him, does not reciprocate, or, worse, LIES about his feelings for me, and allows me to get my heart broken for the furthering of his impulses. And once the morning comes, I never hear from him again. And there is only one man that did this to such a grotesque degre, and he may or may not read this article. But he knows what he did, and I know I was an idiot, but that didn't mean he had to be an idiot, too. And he still hasn't apologized. What a man, eh? A man that clearly has so many insecurities he will never see the true beauty of a woman and her mysterious and delicate qualities, but, instead, thrives on the modernized 'beauty' of girls with bleach blonde straightened hair who don't think to have their own needs, but want a piece of him for the furthering of their, like, total hotness quotient, because, like, I mean, he's like, so hot. And if he's like, so hot, and he screws me, then like, that means I am so hot, too. Those poor girls. The denial that is in every strand of their burnt hair makes me weep for them. But maybe they know something I don't...or maybe they can do what I can't? Maybe they CAN have one night stands and not care when the guy doesn't care about them. No, I shake my head as I type that last sentence...I don't care how shallow you seem to be, a girl who is not needed or wanted will just make her more insecure, and unfortunately, more easy. As mean or as petty as a girl may seem, it usually means she's just that much more delicate inside. And I should not make fun of these girls. I apologize. But it does get frustrating when these types of women are the ones that don't speak up for themselves and make it seem like it's all okay to the men that act on their impulses. Because when you do care about a guy not calling, or whathaveyou, they WILL compare you to the 'cool girls'. Yes, those elusive 'cool girls' that don't mind if you fuck em and leave em. Those 'cool girls' that'll get over you sleeping with her friend. The 'cool girls' that aren't 'dramatic', which is code for a girl who cares. And these cool girls, as easy to do and as easy to be around for a man, are girls. They are not women. And these girls hurt inside. I honestly do not know one girl or woman who can safely say to themselves (I'm not counting what they say to other girls or men, because at one point or another I'm sure we've all tried to be that 'cool girl' who said she could handle it. It's kinda like saying you like spicy food, even if you don't) that they are satisfied by a one night stand or a fuck buddy. I believe that they are either saying this because, a.) They were horny and wanted to fuck like a man because our society has now added this new pressure to the list of pressures for women to be like, thanks to shows like Sex and the City (b.) they thought it would lead to something else, (c.) they were too drunk, (d.) they thought they could handle it or (e.) still continue to think they can handle just being a fuck buddy but eventually the denial runs out and the natural course for women's hormones and feelings takes place.
I am one of those women. Right now, I have a 'lover', by any other term it wouldn't be appropriate. He and I have had an off again, off again lover-relationship since I was 18. He is eleven years older than me. I adore this man, but honestly feel that we are not a good match together, at least not at any point in the near future. We met in a play, the first adult thing I did after I graduated high school. He was the assistant director, and we both lied to ourselves by not asking each other's ages. I made myself assume he was younger, and obviously, if you know what I look like, he must have lied to himself hard to make himself believe I was older. September through when I left for Western in January, we had this relationship. The secrets, the lies we told, the "Oh, hey, -----, how was your week?" at pick up rehearsals in front of the cast, the grab ass back stage, and the first grown up behavior I was a part of was all pretty glamorous and 'womanly' to me. I felt independent and I felt so empowered; I was with an older man, but not in a relationship, and I could handle it.
...Until he stopped caring so much about me. And then it came time for me to leave for Western, and I was heart broken, and he felt fine. Since then, he has apologized for many things, including not being responsible and observant enough to recognize that an 18 year old girl cannot handle such a relationship.
But now, dear friends, I have done it again. I went to Western, I had a boyfriend, I went to Disneyworld, I was in a professional play, I went to LA, I had a terrible summer in '07 with a terrible 'boyfriend', had a wonderful quasi boyfriend through January, and then, come February, I went to get my hair cut up on the hill, and impulsively told my friend that I was going to get coffee at the place where I knew he always went.
Serendipitously, there he was, drinking coffee outside, and we spotted each other at the same time, and oddly enough, at the same place we first saw each other accidentally on the street, couldn't stop staring at each other, and didn't know we were who we were from the play till we got back to our second rehearsal, and then the irresponsible magic happened.
And we hugged, and he still smelled of that smell that made me close my eyes for the past 3 years if a hint of it was around me, and we sat, shared one of his rolled cigarettes, with our heads cocked to one side, and it all started again. Rides on the Vespa where things get too comfortable and we feel too much like a couple, but we relish in what could maybe be our future together, and he pats my thigh and I squeeze his fat belly. Nights where he drives me crazy but he always apologizes. Mornings doing what mornings make best. And what I find to be the most important, we had been there for each other when no one else was to believe in and support us. I rooted him on from the first audition and was the most excited when he got cast in the role he is playing now. Together, he and I are two very odd ducks who can relate to each other and when the rest of the world either looks crazy or makes us look crazy, we can come back to his place and feel sane, together, in our idiosyncrasies. When he thought I was drunker than I was, he said, "Well, since you won't remember this, I just want to let you know-if I were a caveman, I'd beat you over the head and drag you into my cave." Which pretty much sums up our relationship. He messes up and hurts me all the time, and I call him out on it, and he always apologizes. But this time, what case do I have to call him out on? I'm leaving for Hong Kong, and he is not paying as much attention to me, and now he's the star of Seattle, and I am heart broken, alone, lonely, and seemingly forgotten. How do you tell your lover that you want him to love you, if just for two months? The terms, rules, and regulations of being a lover are not getting attached and not asking for too much. And there were many times I felt he was getting too close and I ran, and now I am the idiot that took him for advantage, and the taste of my own medicine is bitter. Now I am the fool that let her impulses run her life and she's upset by the outcome.
At this crucial point in my life, I have let some people go, gone inward to look at myself, been independent, and have a lot of alone time. The close girlfriends that I would like to be close with have boyfriends (all three of them), and he is truly one of my best friends. But right now, I don't think he could care less if I were in his life. His ego has been stroked enough in the past two weeks, why would he need me? I don't have his heart. He has other people in his life. He's a lead in a play, and he got a spectacular review in the Times. I have been there for him for the past five months whenever he needed me, and now I need him, and he's not there. Now my safe place for when the world seems crazy is gone, and the man that I went to when we felt alone is gone, which makes me feel excruciatingly more alone than if he were never there for that need.
Hong Kong will be a welcomed leave of absence. But am I impulsively wanting him still in my life to fill my time, or do I actually care about him? Am I impulsively making my nights available in case he can hang out, or am I actually wanting to rather be alone? Do I want him for my future, or do I want him for my now impulses to be fulfilled?
Am I still the same impulsive girl I was at 18, not watching out for myself or my future, but for my wants and needs of right now?
Does being alone make your impulses rule all else? Is this why we're so afraid of it?
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July 21st, 2008
02:40 pm - end
everything seems to be, and now even Arrested Development is at an end in my queue. I have a heavy heart after the last episode! How silly.
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July 15th, 2008
02:19 pm - Arrested Development
What am I going to do after I get done watching you?
It'll be like Harry Potter all over again...
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July 10th, 2008
02:01 pm - An Apple a Day
I need to get to a doctor for a physical (and just to have a steady doctor) before Hong Kong,
and I need to go to a Nutritionist,
and also get an Allergy test.
Any references?
They have to be approved by Regence Blue Shield, that's my provider, so if anyone is with them and has a good doctor...?
It stinks you have to have a referral by doctor before you get to see a nutritionist. What gives?
Also, if anyone has knows a great personal trainer, could I get their number? The Y doesn't really cut it for trainers...
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01:44 pm - Laptop Woes
I am not without money right now, but I also am without good credit.
I keep calling the Apple store for financing options, and they say the only way to make payments instead of buying up front is through their Juniper Card, which seems to not accept a whole lot of people. They have payment plan options, but for purchases of $2200 or more, for businesses.
I don't want another credit card, I'm still paying off (almost done!) my last one.
I would just like a nice, little laptop and an ipod and make monthly payments on it without interest until it's paid off within a year.
I think that this is too much to ask for?
I sadly keep having to come out to my parent's to get all of my passport/visa/Hong Kong creds taken care of. And I'm bored to tears without a place to type/write, research, waste time, watch movies at my apartment.
Any ideas?
New passport in 4 weeks! When I am 32, I will have a new one. How weird..do you look that different from 22 to 32? My sister is 34 and gorgeous. She doesn't think so, but, she hasn't really changed since 22, except looking more sophisticated. I would be glad to make it to 32. I wonder if I'll have babies and a husband and a career?? Okay, stop, brain. Stop right there.
There was this dumb ass red neck at the beach that was telling me how he and his friend went downtown to find a girl that was both innocent, and sophisticated, and said they could only find one, or the other, to which I replied,
"It's because sophistication comes from dealing with the jadedness of realizing you can't be innocent forever."
And there was a pause, and they went, "Oooooh....". Which goes to show that men kill most of the innocence of women and don't even realize it.
What do you think? I certainly thought that my innocence would be my marketing tool, until I kept getting screwed over and manipulated that I have now become jaded, but hopefully turning more sophisticated. It exhausts me each day to know how much I don't yet know.
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July 8th, 2008
12:05 pm - Macs
I need some help and advice in how to get and what kind of laptop, iPod, and camera to purchase before Hong Kong.
I want the MacBook Air, but it's a little too much. Also, if you're a student, you can get a free iPod touch, but then I have to lie a lot.
Is the iPod touch/iPhone good enough for use as a digital camera? Also, with the iPod touch, you can get online internet services, correct?
Does anyone know any good deals/secrets/places to go to get a mac laptop and iPod touch?
I was going to get an iPhone, but the international charges over in Hong Kong are worse than T-mobile's, so I'm sticking with them.
Even though they charged me $180 in text messaging after taking off my 'unlimited text messaging' package. I have to go call them...
Any ideas on what to do for calling the states when I'm over there? Are calling cards REALLY the best option?
When purchasing, I will be using the Pay Later or whatever option. Should I also get the protection plan? Anything else to know? I'm gonna go with my brother to help me, but I need the help of all you crazy knowledgeable, intelligent people.
EDIT: THERE IS NO WAY TO GET AN IPHONE AND HAVE A DIFFERENT PROVIDER THAN AT&T, CORRECT?
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July 7th, 2008
11:57 am - Postal Worker Gone Postal
Even in the working world, I attract the meanies.
Get this:
I am with Fin, the 2 year old, on errands, walking around West Seattle. I had called ahead to this postal courier place, not a post office, to see if they can send my package to Hong Kong. They replied with a resounding yes, and 2 options, of either US Mail, or FedEx.
I get there, and there's a little of a line, and I see this older man (50/60) helping out a very old woman, talking about her great grand kids.
It gets to be my turn, and I say I'd like to mail this to China.
"Why do you have postage on it?"
"I think my Dad just threw some on there for good measure."
"I don't understand why you put postage on this."
"I don't, either. My Dad told me to come here, and he put it on there."
He goes about his business, and the other woman's business, who forgot something but I told her that I was in no rush. So she and I get to talking while he does his work, or so we both thought, and another woman comes in, and he hands the woman her mail. The old woman and I wonder what is taking so long...
After about 10 minutes of talking about great grand kids and Fin and nannying, he comes up and we both look at him, and this comes out of his grumpy ass mouth,
"Okay, are you done yet? I can't wait for your two's 'business' to be taken care of, I am really busy here. I can't just wait for you two to stop blabbing, Monday's are too busy. Are you both done yet?"
I was going to say, "I think we were talking because we were waiting for you to get done with YOUR business..." But the old woman looked upset and I was with a two year old, so I resisted. He then tells me,
"I can't help you, you've already put stamps on it."
"Okay, it's okay, I'll buy another envelope."
"No. It's too late."
"Can't I just buy an envelope and readdress it?"
"No."
Seeing the old lady's discomfort, I simply said,
"...Okay...?"
And I walked down the block to PCC. I didn't get it, and couldn't really believe that someone would just simply refuse me service. There was nothing objectionable about me. I also didn't want to waste gas to drive myself to the post office, especially since I KNOW that it can be sent out there, as said so by someone at this business.
So after PCC, I took out all my forms for Disney out of the envelope, and went back in with Fin, and there was no line, and he was sitting at a desk, not doing anything.
"Hi! I'm just gonna try this again. I just took everything out, and I'll buy an envelope."
He ignored me.
"Sir? I'd like to send this to China."
"I don't want to help you."
"Excuse me?"
"I am not going to help you. Mondays are too busy."
"I don't have a car..." I lied. He went in the back with the Fed Ex guy. Yelling back, I said,
"Sir, I distinctly remember calling ahead of time to see if this was doable, and someone on the phone gave me two options."
"Mondays are too busy for that, I'm not dealing with it."
"And you think that's a way to run a business? I don't have anywhere else to go."
"Honestly, I DON'T WANT YOUR BUSINESS!"
"Wh-"
"You sat there and IGNORED ME and just kept blabbing away. I am not going to work with someone who ignores me."
"I am sorry that you think I was ignoring you-" walks away "but if you'd let me explain, I can tell you that I don't know how post offices work, and I thought you were doing something, which is why the woman and I were talking, because we were waiting for you."
"I don't want your business, I'm not helping you."
and then ignores me, as I reiterate myself, and leave with,
"Okay, if you are so insecure as to think I was actually ignoring you, and you are refusing service to a young woman who has no where else to go, that is absolutely ridiculous. You are ridiculous."
And he walked away. There were 3 people there, and now they are all in the back, not helping me.
I've been trying to mail this out since Wednesday, and the weekend did not bode well for government offices. It needs to be post marked by today, so let's hope Fin wakes up in time for me to head to the post office first.
Can you believe that? I wonder what tipped him off so intensely. Four years ago this would have made me cry, so it's nice that I have progressed enough to know how to eloquently state a case calmly and even if it doesn't go well, recognize it's all on HIM, that it has nothing to do with me.
Maybe he thought I was some irresponsible single mother or something...
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